Behind the Crimson Curtain

Where do I begin. I am the oldest of 4 children. I grew up long before any child should have. Not that I regret it. It is something that prepared me to live life and take care of myself and know what responsibility is.

I grew up in a household where there was a very dominant mother and an absent father. Not by choice, but due to his work, it kept him away all but 2 days a week. My mother was also disabled. This elevated me to the Mother role. At least the responsibility part of the Mother role. I have been cooking, cleaning, running a household and changing babies since I was 8 years old. Again, as much as I resented it at the time.. its made me a stronger person. Someone able to deal with life's pitfalls.

I never dated or spent much time away from home until well after I was out of High School and working. I was needed at home. But once my siblings were old enough to start caring for things on their own... my freedom increased.

I met the man I eventually married when I was 28. We lived together for 6 years, when I my health began to deteriorate. I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and while being diagnosed with that, they discovered two large growths in my neck that were growing into my Thyroid. The growths were pushing into my esophagus diminishing my air flow and decreasing my oxygen saturation. A normal person should never go below 95% I was holding at 60%. My lips and nails were a lovely shade of blue. While I was in the ICU I nearly coded.... my saturation bottomed out at 24%. When I woke up I was hooked up to all sorts of neat machines. After several biopsies and tests and lots of hospital visits they couldn't determine if they were cancerous or not... It was decided they needed to come out. Half of my thyroid was removed to get all of the growths. Once they were removed they were tested and they were found to be benign. No cancer..... what a relief it was. But I was put on continuous Oxygen for the next 3 years. Not too much fun dragging a tank around behind you.

Soon after this surgery is when my legs began to flare up. Its called Cellulitis... an infection of the cells. They believe it is from a dormant staph infection. I may have picked up a strain of the staph in the hospital. It causes tremendous swelling, redness and are extremely tender to the touch. At one point my right leg was so swollen it was purple and twice the size of my left leg. I was unable to walk. The only thing that helped this was being hospitalized on IV antibiotics for 5 to 10 days depending on the severity. Followed by months on complete bedrest to allow the leg to heal. I have gotten to the point where I can catch it before it gets too out of hand... but my legs are so swollen on a general basis.... its very hard to detect when it crosses over from swelling to an infection. I also have neuropathy of the muscles which makes my legs very weak. I can't stand for very long or walk too far. So, yes I am one of the old ladies you see running around in the little carts at Walmart. I use a cane for balance. I try not to let it keep me from doing fun things. I just can't do the dancing, hiking, long walk things anymore. But there are many other diversions.

My husband at the time stuck through all this with me and was so helpful. I really don't know what I would have done without him. Everyone said they don't think they have ever seen a closer couple.

After I recovered from my neck surgery and my legs were stable. He asked me to marry him. Of course it was a wonderful time... the family got close and everyone was happy. Everything went well for the first couple of years. My legs weren't really too bad... I had a couple flare ups but they were under control. The only problem at that point was that I couldn't seem to get pregnant. But we were dealing with it. We didn't have money to have all the fancy stuff done to get pregnant now days. So we just accepted it as fate and would just carry on with our lives.

For some unknown reason my oxygen saturation began to stabilize after 3 years of continuous O2. That was a wonderful day when I was told I didn't have to wear all that gear anymore. My happiness didn't last long however, because then I started having all sorts of female issues and later discovered that most likely they were miscarriages. That was quite a blow to my mental state of mind. While having things checked out it was discovered I had squamous cells and they were precancerous in my cervix. So again, more surgeries, more time off work, more time being completely dependent on my ex.

I could tell things were beginning to bother him .... his answers were snappy he seemed aggravated all the time. He got very critical of me and everything I did or didn't do. I don't put all the blame on him though. My attitude pretty much sucked for the most part. I just couldn't seem to feel happy or have good feelings about anything. I was in no mood for anything. I withdrew into myself. My doctor was pushing for me to go on permanent disability. Sitting all day was just aggravating my legs and I didn't have enough strength or stamina to stand or walk long enough to do a different job. I refused... saying I wanted to work as long as I could. And my pride was stopping me from applying. I didn't want people talking about me and saying they wondered if I really deserved it or not. You always hear people saying that sort of stuff.

Anyway... Me and the ex began to have less and less to say to one another. You can see where this is going.

Just when things seemed to get somewhat stable .... with our relationship and my health issues, another incident. I had been feeling poorly for about a week. I was having bad cramping in my abdomen. But not the usual kind women experience. It was intense and constant. But being someone who hates hospitals and doctors, because every time I go I am admitted for days and days..... I didn't do anything. I kept telling myself it would go away. Finally one night it reached an unbearable point. I felt a hot rush of searing pain ....... just as if someone ran a sword through my abdomen. I couldn't stand up. I felt as though I was going to throw up. My ex got me in the car.... I was screaming and crying in pain every step of the way. We got to the emergency room and they couldn't get me out of the car.... everything hurt. They had to bring a stretcher to me, out in the parking lot and roll me inside. My abdomen was extremely swollen and since I had an umbilical hernia..... they assumed it had become en-strangulated.

I was put out of my misery and taken to emergency surgery. As soon as the doctors cut me open I began to hemorrhage. They knew it couldn't be the hernia at that point. So what started out as a 3 inch incision became a 12 inch incision...... they had to find where I was bleeding from. They finally found it. It was a ruptured ovarian pregnancy. When I woke up from this one I had a tube down my throat.... a tube up my nose....a catheter and wires from every portion of my body. I remember waking up trying to pull the tubes out... I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was told later by my family I did that several times and they would come in and up the meds that put me back to sleep. They didn't want to disconnect me from anything until my stats were stable.

Hearing that this was another lost pregnancy I think I came as close to what anyone can without having a mental breakdown. It was discovered however that I was suffering from depression and had been for quite some time. Hence my attitude changes. I was put on medication and was told I really needed to apply for permanent disability.

So in December of 2003 I did just that. My ex always wanted to live in Texas and I had friends in Texas. I had recovered from my surgery and was still feeling pretty down even with the meds..... my friends invited me down for a New years celebration. They even paid my way. So that was a lot of fun. My first time flying ever. My first time out of the North as well. Well long story short, I fell in love. The area was so beautiful and near the water.... it was right on the Gulf and I was in heaven. I spent 7 days there and really didn't want to come back north. My ex got very excited and through a few long talks and a few phone calls we had the house sold ..... he was transferred and we had a rental house in Texas. With a few more phone calls we had a moving truck and we were on our way. We figured why not? We had hopes it would help our fast dying relationship.... we had no kids.... there didn't seem to be any reason not to. So off we went. We had a wonderful ride down. We seemed to get closer than we had been in a long time.

It lasted 8 months. He informed me one day he was moving closer to work and I quote " I am sick of taking care of you, I have a chance to better myself and thats just what I am going to do." So that was that. I didn't beg him to stay either. Of course it was all my fault... I didn't do enough.... or I did too much. The only thing I said to him was .... You just keep thinking that.... you will need to keep blaming me and make this all my fault. That is the only way you will be able to live with yourself and be able to sleep at night knowing you abandoned your disabled wife with no money, no transportation, no food, no home, no anything. His comment....... "you brought it on yourself" Again I just told him to keep telling himself that. So with that he left. I know he found someone else. And had been staying with them. He hadn't been coming home after work for the two weeks previous. I never knew when I was going to see him. Of course he denied having another woman... but with out a doubt I know he did. I was getting tons of hang up phone calls and if he got a phone call he would go out in the garage to talk. I'm not that stupid. It was obvious. But needless to say.. if it weren't for my friends in Texas and a couple wonderful friends I have met in my internet experiences I really might not be here right now. I had nothing. No way to get home. No money for food or rent. No transportation to get anywhere.

For the first time in my life suicide seemed an easy solution. I was in a very bad state of mind. My friends basically took over my life. They took me in and made tons of phone calls and before I knew it I had a U-Haul and was on my way back to NY with just about all my belongings. I did sell a lot to raise money for gas and lodging on the way. But I was on my way home and thats what was important. The ironic part is any time I spent on the computer was a major problem for him. It turns out that the friends I made through the internet cared more about me than he did. So don't believe everything you hear. Not everyone on the net is a freak or perverse being. There are some very caring, honest, sincere and loving people to be found...... the same with any aspect of life.

I am now back in New York living with my sister and her three little girls. I thank God everyday for good friends and a loving family. Things have come full circle. I took care of my family for years..... now they are having to take care of me for the time being.

So, here I am ..... January of 2005 .... a year a go this time I had no idea I would have been living in Texas for 8 months and moved back home divorced. Who knows where I will be a year from now.

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Well..... time for an update. It's been over a year. It's now summer 2006. I am finally receiving permanent disability and life it good. I am still surrounded by my family and friends and things are going well. I finally have a vehicle again and a can contribute to the household. I have that feeling of independence back ...... and it feels good.

I guess if there is anything to take away from all of this is ... Even if your life seems to be at the end of the line ... never give up. As bad as things can be at times ... it will only be a matter of time when they do a complete turn around. Life is a wild, crazy ride ..... just hang on tight and lean into the curves.

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